Have you ever been in a situation where you know it's unhealthy to dream of a positive outcome, you know it could be dangerous to your well-being to believe something could happen, yet you do it anyway?
Because sometimes, as much as you try to keep your feet firmly on the ground, you still imagine yourself flying high and all the wonderful things you could gain.
For a few enchanting moments, you believe you have conquered. And damn it feels good.
Reality hits you smack in the face.
Like a cold, wet, dead fish.
This is what happened to me last Wednesday, at roughly 3.13pm.
Despite telling myself not to over analyse or over wish, I did. Then my manager shattered all my illusions in one unfair sentence:
"That's why we have offered the job to Steve."
She gave the job to my colleague!
To add insult to injury, he was the guy I interviewed for my maternity cover.
He stole the job which should have been mine. Because apparently, I beat the external candidates, "Hands down."
And isn't it ironic that I wasn't even convinced about applying at first, until my manager encouraged me (twice) and I allowed myself to believe that I was the next Production Manager.
Plus the money was ever so good, it would have meant we could comfortably afford nursery fees. We could have moved to a bigger house, with a garden containing grass for Tommy to run about in, even a playroom for his vast growing toys, and an office for yours truly.
Yes I told myself not to get carried away, but I did anyway. Especially after my boss congratulated me on an excellent interview, praised me for my confidence, and highlighted all the necessary skills I possessed for the position.
Oh how I lost myself in fantasising about the recognition and respect. I've been working in publishing for twenty five years, after all. Surely it was time to be rewarded for my hard work and commitment?
At my current employment I have saved the company thousands of pounds, due to detailed and thorough tender processes, I have slogged away and ensured smooth handover procedures with new suppliers. I have built professional relationships externally and internally. I have demonstrated problem solving skills and proved I am motivated and able to multitask with many important projects.
I was robbed.
Steve earned four extra points than me due to his technical knowledge. A fact I was bitterly disappointed in as it was the one area I was concerned with, and my boss assured me not everyone would tick all the boxes.
Dear readers, I have had to swallow my pride and admit defeat in the most awkward manner.
I aint been happy about it.
I've had to pick myself up, brush myself down and start all over again. Then I've had to put things into perspective. I still have a job, we still have a roof over our heads and food in the cupboards.
It was nice to dream for a while.
Now normal services must resume.