Mark had a bad dream.
I know he did because after opening his eyes, he said to me, “I had a bad dream.”
“I did too!” was my response.
So we both had bad dreams. This did not bode well.
We took it in turns to explain our dreams.
Mark dreamt I terminated our relationship. There was all sorts of other weird stuff, but the main point of the dream was his feeling of abandonment. And no-one wants to feel abandoned, even in dreams.
I dreamt I forgot Tommy. I placed him in the bath and left him. It wasn’t until ages later that I remembered my son, when his skin was pink and shrivelled like a bad prune. The remainder of my dream was focused on my over-whelming sense of guilt, and wailing like a baby that I could do such a terrible thing.
Therefore, my dream was focused on guilt. And no-one wants to feel guilty, even in dreams.
I regularly analysis my dreams, do you? Particularly if they are reoccurring ones. I figure my brain must be trying to tell me something if it insists on repeating itself.
Alas I have the Tommy and the guilt dream fairly often. As does Mark with the abandonment, it’s been a few times now he’s awoken and said crossly to me, “You dumped me again.”
Which means I have decided to face my self-condemnation woes and conquer Mark’s separation issues.
How does one stop feeling guilty?
And how does one convince one’s husband that they will never, ever, leave them? Unless of course he did something awful, such as conduct sordid affairs with every single female I know. Or heaven forbid, he sold Tommy to a passing gypsy for the price of a fast car and a huge ego. But that’s hardly likely, is it?
It’s healthy that Tommy realises I am not the only person in this world who idolises him. When I visit the office he is thoroughly spoilt at his nanny and grandpa’s. He receives love, attention and food. What more could he possibly want? He needs to know he can not be 100% dependent on me, he can play and sleep without my presence and this is fine. And when I work from home he can cuddle granddad and knock cubes down that granddad piles high for him, and chase a brightly coloured ball which granddad throws around the room for him. I’m going to try and stop feeling guilty and continually remind myself of this.
Now I need to concentrate on Mark. I always vowed to never leave my partner out when a child came along. You read about it, you hear about it. But guess what, no one can really prepares you for it. When a child does come along, no one can prepare you for the love that consumes you. At least I wasn’t prepared. It almost knocked me off my feet, and still does.
Sometimes I am so wrapped up with Tommy and his needs I forget about the outside world. And sadly, maybe this is reflecting on Mark.
Life has changed so much, we can’t go out at short notice, in fact we don’t go out at all unless it’s with Tommy, or to take Tommy to my parents so we can work. We no longer have date nights where we dress up and visit a fancy restaurant. Even when Tommy is sleeping in his cot I’m anxiously checking the monitor and running up the stairs most of the night to comfort him (he STILL doesn’t sleep well, can you believe that).
However, tomorrow we are attending a wedding - the ceremony, the meal, the evening disco and buffet. Tommy, and no other children, are invited. Mark and I will spend almost twelve hours together. Without Tommy. This filled me with dread at first. Will Tommy be okay? What if he cries when his mummy and daddy are not there to put him to bed? What if he wakes up and wonders where I am? Will my parents cope this long with him? Will Tommy be okay?
Mum and dad are coming to our house, where Tommy can be in familiar surroundings, to be loved and played with, and taken to the park if it’s not raining. And if he wakes up a million times? My mum and dad and their capable soothing voices and reassuring arms will be there.
I have to keep telling myself this!
Plus it will be lovely, and long over-due, to spend quality time with the man that quite frankly, rocks my world.