Saturday, 2 June 2012

I cried for you when the sky cried for you

Pardon me for saying, but sometimes I find newspapers and news bulletins depressing.
Yes I know they are the facts of our lives, the world outside our window, and I regularly feel ignorant if I don’t know and see the bigger picture. Yet sometimes I find it all too much.
And here's another brutal, bare fact - I have an over sensitive soul.
I am the first to admit my glass is almost always half full. Most days I love life. And friends have applauded my positive nature.
But even the happiest of hearts can have a sad story to tell.
When I read a dramatic headline, or listen to a news flash covering a fragile, traumatic tale, I am often immediately transported to my seventeen year old self.
I hated being seventeen.
Over twenty years have passed since my seventeenth broken year, but when you’ve experienced the cruel consequences of life, it’s impossible to shrug it off completely.
If I read or hear about a fatal accident, a car crash, a loss of a beloved life, I feel that uncomfortable tightness of my throat and my eyes sting with bitter tears.
It could be as innocent as watching Coronation Street (top soap opera in the UK) and boyfriend will look at me, despairing of me and say, “You’re not crying are you Nikki?”
“Of course not!” is nearly always my reply, followed by sniffing or wiping my eyes.
It could be something more realistic such as The News At Ten, a news reporter detailing a pitiful family's situation, and the tightness and stinging begin and I think, “Oh God I get this, I know what this family is going through.”
Okay, you can never completely understand another person's unfortunate plight. I would never have the audacity to think I can imagine every pain and suffering every person may be experiencing.
But loosing a loved one, your life and your family torn into a million unlucky pieces?
I get that.
I don’t talk about my brother very much. Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I prefer it this way. Maybe I wish I did keep his memory alive by talking about him more.
My world, our family’s world, our mother, our father, his fiancée, our aunts and uncles and cousins, his friend's world, was turned upside down on the 6th July 1991. I honestly never thought I, our mother, our father, his fiancée, our aunts, uncles and cousins, his friends, would ever get over it.
We still haven’t got over it. It’s not that simple. Death is not a cold which will pass in a week or so. Death is final.
We’ve just learnt to live with it.
Some days I miss him so much it physically hurts. An aching empty chasm of pure wretched loss.
Some days I will think about him and laugh fondly at his memories. I will feel comforted by remembering his fierce protectiveness of me, and his wonderful, kind, caring, decent nature.
Some days I feel a huge sense of injustice in this world and all we have to learn.
He was only 23 for goodness sake.
He had so much to give and look forward to.
No I do not often talk about him. I still have acquaintances and colleagues who have no idea he ever existed. I feel terribly guilty for this. But I can’t bear to talk about him, his endearing attitude and his bags of charisma, to people who might feel uncomfortable or wish I had never mentioned him.
Sometimes I think how dare I write a blog with insignificant careless things and not write about him? In my darkest days I am riddled with this guilt.
He deserves to be written about. It’s the very least I can do.
So I have.
Sorry, it’s all kind of over spilt. I guess I’m not always as guarded as I thought.
You can probably understand now why I find newspapers and bulletins often depressing. And why I can admit to having an over sensitive soul.
So would you excuse me if I read a light hearted magazine or a Harry Potter book, if one day I find a certain newspaper article too much to bear?
I think, I hope, I’m sure, my dear brother would understand.
God bless you Lee.
I sure do miss you big bruv. x


Amel said...

I'm SO VERY SORRY for your loss, Nikki. (((HUGS))) Losing someone is never easy and there are always remembrances of that person along the way, eh? Especially someone as dear as your brother, whom you've written about so fondly in this post.

I also avoid reading the newspaper because it's so depressing to read 'coz mostly what's covered is bad news. It's either losing my mind/hope 'coz of the angst/depression gained by reading the sad news or becoming numb 'coz of the barrages of bad news...that's why I limit myself to that.

Writing about loss is never easy, Nikki. Be kind to yourself. I'm sure your brother wouldn't have wanted you to feel guilty 'coz he's always in your heart and mind anyway. :-)))

Katherine Mercurio Gotthardt said...

Nikki, echoing Ame's sentiments. Some pain lasts forever. It becomes part of us, like an injury. One day, it doesn't hurt too much, the next, it hurts more. Other days, it might seem unbearable, especially when there are stark reminders that we are not alone in our experiences. And yet, knowing we are not alone is a kind of comfort because, at the very least, someone else understands what we are feeling. Pain is part of the human condition, for whatever reason.

Sending you peace and comfort as well as thanks for the bright spirit you give the world!

Nick Phillips said...

Which is one reason why I don't read the newspapers anymore. Nothing but doom and gloom in there!

The World According To Me said...

Thank you Amel for your kind words. It means a lot to me. You're so right, he's always in my heart and mind. Even when I don't talk about him or write about him. I like to think our loved ones are still here, and he understands. I know you've gone through similar pain recently, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm all ears. x

The World According To Me said...

Thank you Katherine for your kind words also. You describe it so well, the pain from loosing someone you love and yet comfort we can feel when we know we are not alone. Yes it's universal, and part of this human world. And believe me I am touched that you have taken time out of your life to write comforting words. I wish you peace too. x

The World According To Me said...

Hey Nick, damn those pesky newspapers and their doom and gloom! Hope you and your family are happy.

What Happened 2 Vince? (Part 2) said...

I don't like reading the newspapers for a different reason. They have a lot of politics in them, and the political news has been so bad as to "make me sick".
I am sorry about your loss. What you say about death is absolutely right. I lost my BEST friend the year before your brother died, Nikki. We knew each other for 22 yrs. we met in my very first school year and knew each other until 1990. He was driving from Church & didn't see a train coming due to the blocked view of a cornfield and the blinding setting sun and he died suddenly. No one will ever replace your brother and no one will ever replace my best friend, Frank.

The World According To Me said...

I am so sorry to read about your best friend. That's tough. Really tough. You too have experienced the harsh side of life. I like to think Frank and Lee know how much we care and that we will always carry them in our hearts. No one can take away our memories. Their love will be etched in our hearts and minds forever. x