Saturday, 25 February 2012

Girl put your records on

Something peculiar happened to me today.
Before I rushed out my house to visit my parents, I walked over to the wicker basket, the one which contains my CD collection, and I decided to choose different music to play in my car. A CD which did not contain the words George or Wham! in the title. It’s not that I’m tired of him or suddenly find his soothing voice boring, I purely fancied a change.
I tried not to feel unfaithful as I glanced at my selection, and my eyes fell upon Corrine Bailey Rae, a CD I purchased many moons ago, a time before my red and white polka dot home existed.
Distant memories of the days I used to sit in my parents house, singing to her tunes, floated around in my head, and I was curious to listen to them again.
With this CD, I sat in my car and pressed forward to track number 3, and I was amazed how clear those distant days became.
Have you ever listened to a song and realised how poignant the words are becoming, as if the singer knows exactly what you’re going through? As if the lyrics have been written for you, because she knows one day you will play her melody and immediately understand her words, and you will think, this song is about me.
It was a complicated and messy relationship which ended sadly. I realised how unhappy I had become, how nothing seemed to make sense anymore. So I left the relationship, the home we shared, the life we’d built, the friends we had gained together.
It was my decision, one which I did not take lightly, for I knew the consequences of my actions.
Sometimes it's easy when a relationship breaks down to blame one person, and sometimes it's the person who left who bares the brunt. I suffered sympathy and blame in equal measures.
I was racked with guilt over how much I had hurt someone I once loved. But how can you stay when the love has evaporated? Surely that would be considered wrong. Everyone deserves to be loved, wants to be loved. You can’t pretends it’s there if it’s not. And quite frankly, I was feeling unloved and unappreciated too.
So I licked my riddled with anguish, guilt and disappointment wounds, and I moved back to my childhood bedroom, with a pair of jeans and a handful of shirts, and nothing to my name except my CD player and my Corrine Bailey Rae CD.
I spent days and nights in the summer of 2005 in that bedroom, gazing out my window and trying to understand how it went so wrong.
I didn’t speak to my friends until some time later to inform them of my change of circumstances. It was too raw to explain and put into words.
Until I heard this song.

Three little birds sat on my window and they told me I didn’t need to worry
Summer came like cinnamon, so sweet
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete
Maybe sometimes
We’ve got it wrong but it’s alright, the more things seem to change
The more they stay the same
Don’t you hesitate
Girl put your records on
Tell me your favourite song
You go ahead let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans
I hope you get your dreams
Just go ahead let your hair down
You’re going to find yourself somewhere, somehow
Blue as the sky, sun burnt and lonely, sipping tea in a bar by the roads
Just relax, just relax
Don’t you let those other boys fool you
Maybe sometimes we feel afraid but its alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change
Don’t you think it’s strange
‘Twas more than I could take
Pity for pity’s sake
Some nights kept me awake
I thought I was stronger
When you going to realise that you don’t even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to do
Girl put your records on…

It was then I realised I had to let people in, face the changes I had entered into, build my record (CD) collection, and my new life. It was okay to start living again.
And look at me now.
As hard as it was during the cruel and barmy summer of 2005, I made a tough but right choice.
Since then, consciously at first and now maybe sub consciously, I have taken her advice, I have put my records on and let my hair down.
And I've found my dream.
George, your songs will always have a place in my heart. But sometimes a girl needs Corrine Bailey Rae to remember how hard it was, and to realise how easy it can be.
I don't have to try any longer.

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Welcome to the world, Will

I'm an auntie! More importantly future brother and sister in law are parents. And boyfriend is an uncle. And future father in law is a granddad.
Aren't new babies great, the joy and changes they bring.
I met Will when he was merely a day old. A whole 24 hours brand spanking new. With a bouquet of flowers and a huge soft tiger, I met my nephew. I held him like a fragile piece of glass, must protect his tiny head, and I hope he doesn't start crying, was running through my 38 year old mind.
I gazed at his perfect features and wondered what the world has in store for Will. I thought of the years ahead, watching him grow, learning his first words and taking his first careful steps. Would he be an astronaut, a scientist or a mathematician? One can't help pondering over his future.
The lounge he was sleeping in has already been transformed from a newly wed home to a babies play ground. A tiger, a bear and a rabbit watch over him. Blue sparkling balloons decorate the white walls and powder blue baby grows are patiently waiting for him to grow into.
One things for sure, the happiness he has already brought his family is etched on our excited faces.
Welcome to this crazy life, dear Will.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

The 2013 diary

The thing with working for a publishing company is you're always planning ahead.
It's only the second month in 2012 and yet I'm compiling documents to produce the company 2013 diary. Can you believe this? It's only February 2012 and I'm thinking about 2013 already. I'm organising schedules and flat plans and working towards an August print date, a September delivery deadline, and an October magazine containing our free to members and colleagues 2013 diary.
But hang on a minute, wasn't it only 2011 a month and a bit ago? Yes I'm sure it was. If my memory serves me well, I spent the last day of 2011 at the races with boyfriend and family. I was shouting encouraging words at greyhounds and quite pleased when one particular greyhound aided my win full of £40. Considering I'd only placed a tiny bet (we are saving for a wedding after all) it was a satisfactory win. I ate my flimsy veggie burger and drank my fairly appalling cheap wine and decided to quit while I was ahead.
After our new year's eve gambling extravaganza, we headed to future brother in law's grand five bedroom, three storey house, with electric gates (I'm not jealous at all!). Here we proceeded to play a rather confusing betting game (or maybe it was the cider, must pace myself I remember thinking) and when we finally finished, I presented from my Tesco's carrier bag a rather silly board game. A game where we had to draw objects and act scenes to enable the two teams to try and crack a code, and only when this code had been cracked could we announce the winner.
We never did crack a code, we were too busy being distracted with toasting our champagne glasses (boyfriend and I did not bring the champagne, we brought a bottle of wine which disappointly future brother in law noticed it was the same bottle he brought to ours boxing day but had not been opened, remember we're saving!). And then at midnight we lite stunning fireworks and made suitable, "Arr, Whoo!" noises when the fireworks became louder and brighter.
It was a fitting farewell to 2011. A year I would consider to be my favoutite year in my entire life. And it's all due to lovely boyfriend. Living with him is so much fun. I love our life, our polka dot home, just off the high street, with my shorter journey to work, proudly wearing my square shaped engagement ring.
So it's with great fondness I am looking forward to 2012. The year we marry. The year I become Mrs T.
And for maybe once in my life I am not wishing the days away. I am not willing time to pass until I am debt free, for as long as I care to remember, I am finally debt free. I am not fantatasing about finding someone to love and share my life with, I have finally found him. I am not frustrated about my publishing career and feeling over looked, I finally feel there is recognision and my recent appraisal proved this.
Dear readers, I may be working on a 2013 diary but I am very much living in and loving the moment.